Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.