Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get Ill never be as good as a wall.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield but on a banana its just the opposite. Green means hold on yellow means go ahead and red means where the hell did you get that banana at.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing What is wrong with Cloud 8 That joke came off the top of my head and the top of my head aint funny

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If you boat a lot youre known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat but I just dont want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Every book is a childrens book if the kid can read

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Rice is great if youre really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.