Neil Simon

It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

Nathan Lane always wanted to play Oscar. When he came in the first day, he already knew his lines. He said he'd known them since he was 18.

Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money.

New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.

If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

Youre welcome to take a bath. You look like the second week of the garbage strike.

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

If no one ever took risks, Michaelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.

Sports is the only entertainment where, no matter how many times you go back, you never know the ending.