Paul Merton

In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

In 1986, I was attacked in the street as I helped Neil Mullarkey from the Comedy Store Players to put up posters. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time - midnight - and we were English. I got kicked in the head.

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.

And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.

I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.

I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.

In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.

I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.

Maybe there's a perception of me as grumpy old bugger who suffers from depression. It's a total misconception. I don't think of myself as any grumpier than the next person. I'm not even grumpy first thing in the morning.

The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.

Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.'

Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don't care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician's armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.

Beginning with a trip out to Ellis Island, I saw for myself where thousands of European immigrants took their first steps onto American soil, bringing with them nothing but their ambition: people such as Erich von Stroheim and Adolph Zukor.