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Phyllis Diller

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Quotes
63

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Im at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
I like to serve chocolate cake because it doesnt show the dirt.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets things straight.
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with Who could have done this We have no enemies
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
The reason women dont play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldnt afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
Housework wont kill you but then again why take the chance
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
Marry a man your own age as your beauty fades so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesnt keep him awake even when its hot and being spilled on him.
Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

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