Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Im at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

I like to serve chocolate cake because it doesnt show the dirt.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

A smile is a curve that sets things straight.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors Eat out.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with Who could have done this We have no enemies

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

All mothers are working mothers.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The reason women dont play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

I want my children to have all the things I couldnt afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Housework wont kill you but then again why take the chance

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Marry a man your own age as your beauty fades so will his eyesight.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesnt keep him awake even when its hot and being spilled on him.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.