Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.