Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Marriages dont last. When I meet a guy the first question I ask myself is is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Most turkeys taste better the day after my mothers tasted better the day before.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

I love being married. Its so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

I gave my father 100 and said Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Neurotics build castles in the air psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

I rationalize shopping. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Whenever I date a guy I think is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with

I gave my father 100 and said Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.x9D So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Whenever I date a guy I think Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

To attract men I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

I want to have children but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I dont even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.