To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, it's the best job in the world.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, it's the best job in the world.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Don't just crit their siticising.

I suppose I would like to be remembered as one of the funniest men that people have seen on television.

In a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

In a packed programme tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

It's better to make people laugh than cry.

Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the 'secret milkshake.'

There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.

We had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.

My mother keeps things in perspective for me. She makes me realize that the acting I do and love is no more important than what one of my brothers does-he works in a shoe repair shop. If my career ever tapers off, I'll go to college.

An unexpected benefit of my career in biochemistry has been travel.

I'm sure once my career's over, when I look back when I'm older, I can maybe appreciate it a little bit more.

In Hungary, acting is a career for which one fits himself as earnestly as one studies for a degree in medicine, law, or philosophy.

I have been driven demented in my career.

The blues is something separate from what I do. They connect at certain spots, but blues is different. I wouldn't put it in with what my career has been. That would be a whole separate wing.

I wanted to be an actress. In college I was a serious feminist and very political. I was determined to get one thing out of my career and that was respect. I didn't want money. I didn't care about fame.

It could be my downfall, but I don't think it is - Hollywood is run on perception, and if you stray off the path of what you want to do with your career, it's suicide.

Those who joined us for selfish personal reasons, for a career or other motives will be the ones to leave.

Warren Beatty took an interest in my career at one point.

I knew an actor's career goes up and down and back up again. Your standing in this business can't be your whole identity; otherwise, you're doomed.

The biggest break in my career was getting into the Beatles in 1962. The second biggest break since then is getting out of them.

Sometimes you get caught up in what's going on around you. The reality is that you are just a regular person. At some point, the career will be over, the bright lights turn off. That can come back to haunt you if you're not just a regular guy.

The truth is, it's not a great career move to create a readership and then, in effect, abandon them.

I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy.

Music is the career I'm lucky enough to get paid for, but I have other desires and passions.

I think to just single out a highlight of Elvis's career is pretty much impossible. As far as being a fan of his, a lifetime fan, there were just too many highlights.

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.

I have probably purchased fifty 'hot tips' in my career, maybe even more. When I put them all together, I know I am a net loser.

I've spent my career trying to help people without connections understand what's going on so that they have a chance of getting a fair shake from the connected and the powerful.

If I had my career to play over, one thing I'd do differently is swing more. Those 1,200 walks I got, nobody remembers them.

Superstar was made so early in my career I had nothing to do with it at all. The first time I saw it was the opening screening.

I found in my whole career the best thing that can happen to you is that you hear what people want.

They see a work ethic in both of us. But, they also see that my husband is more in control of his future, and I am more reliant on other sources for my career.

I have always been intrigued with singing and I actually started my career in musical comedies.

This is largely the methodology I've used throughout my career - that is, starting with a question as to what might be the properties of a set of compounds that could be invented which were unusual and unpredictable. Many times I've felt a bit like Columbus setting sail.

Although I was not aware of it at the time, the experience of growing up during the Great Depression was to have a profound impact on my intellectual and professional career.

You have people who can't act and they get all these parts. Paris Hilton falls into her own category. She's made a career out of it.

I am a writer. I could not afford to take 15 months off from my writing career to play detective.

I have never forgotten my days as an Eagle Scout. I didn't know it at the time, but what really came out of my Scouting was learning how to lead and serve the community. It has come in handy in my career in government.

Actors are an insecure breed. It's hard to have your career depend upon other people's opinions of what you do.

It sucks to be the runner-up because I've been the runner-up for a long time in my career. I would get so close and then lose a huge movie and sometimes it's one kid who beats you out for three different movies. It's so frustrating at the time, but what's so great is the lesson you take from that, which is, 'I've got to get better.'

I think one of the greatest joys I have now in my career and in my profession is to be playing at an age where I can appreciate it more than I used to... It's a whole different lens you look through the older you get.

It never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in.

I really wasn't even sure if I should continue acting. I would like try and figure out if I could be good enough to do it. It was like 10 or 12 years into my career before I felt like maybe I can do it. It was such a different time than now.