Roseanne Barr

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.

You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship.

Im not upset about my divorce. Im only upset Im not a widow.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.

The American people are sick and tired of this 'lesser evil' garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they're in office.

The way I feel if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work Ive done my job.

I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

Women are cursed and men are the proof.

I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled.

Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you.

I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.

I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.

Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.

I know how to do anything Im a mom.

There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads.

Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.

I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

As a housewife I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work then hey Ive done my job.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.

Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.

I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.

I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.

TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.

I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.

Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Once you get away from wanting to get paid you can actually say some true things

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasnt for them us fat women would have no one to dance with.

The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life.

I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

Half the world's starving, the other half is trying to lose weight.

I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!

Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home Ive done my job.

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.

After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.

I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.

I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.