If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

I get mail; therefore I am.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The best things in life are silly.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

Beware of advice about successful people and their methods. For starters, no two situations are alike. Your dreams of creating a dry-cleaning empire won't be helped by knowing that Thomas Edison liked to take naps.

Every skill you acquire doubles your odds of success.

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

For most people, it's easy to be passionate about things that are working out, and that distorts our impression of the importance of passion. I've been involved in several dozen business ventures over the course of my life, and each one made me excited at the start. You might even call it passion.

Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom.

Home is pretty utopian.

I burned out my drawing hand by using it too much. The common word for it is writer's cramp. The fancy words for it are focal dystonia. The symptom in my case was a pinky finger that went spastic when I tried to draw.

I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.

I have an endless stream of suggestions coming in from readers who are in cubicles. That keeps me going.

I love magazines. It's such McNugget kind of information.

I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened.

I try to avoid giving advice.

I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.'

I'm a poor artist. Through brute force, I brought myself up to mediocre. I've never taken a writing class, but I can write okay.

I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.