Steve Allen

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics.

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war.

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

The hair is real - it's the head that's a fake.

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.