Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Well, excuuuuuse me!

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.

Bad psychoanalysis would say I enjoyed pleasing people, working really hard and pleasing people, which is probably related to my father in some way. But I really liked working hard. When I worked at Disneyland, I'd do 12 hours straight and go home thrilled.

Dinosaurs did not walk with humans. The evolutionary record says different. They gambled.

Everything is fraught with danger. I love technology and I love science. It's just always all in the way you use it. So there's no - you can't really blame anything on the technology. It's just the way people use it, and it always has been.

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.

I cringe at backstory. Because it never quite explains or gets into some psychological thing that is never quite right and never quite the truth and who knows why someone is some way.

I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four years were spent in wild success. I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a byproduct. The course was more plodding than heroic.

I don't like to look back, and I'm always worried about the next thing rather than resting on the laurels or the degradations of the last thing.

I feel good about being able to take bluegrass on to television like 'Letterman' and 'The View,' and I've heard nice things about being able to do that. I really haven't felt any negativity toward me or my music.

I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.

I just believe that the interesting time in a career is pre-success, what shaped things, how did you get to this point.

I just wanted to be in show business. I didn't care if I was going to be an actor or a magician or what. Comedy was a point of the least resistance, really. And on the simplest level, I loved comedy.

I like all kinds of music. I listen to Abigail Washburn, the Punch Brothers, and Marc Johnson, the great clawhammer player. I also listen a lot to Sirius Radio, there's a lot of bluegrass there.

I like the idea that one thing leads to another. You can tweet something completely innocuous, and then find yourself going off on a tangent that's inspired by a response.

I love technology, and I love science. It's just always all in the way you use it. So there's no - you can't really blame anything on the technology. It's just the way people use it, and it always has been.

I loved doing 'Pennies from Heaven.' Because you have to understand that I'd been doing comedy for 15 to 20 years, and suddenly along came the opportunity to do this beautiful film. It was so emotional to me. I loved it. I don't think it was a good career move, but I have no regrets about doing it.

I loved to make people laugh in high school, and then I found I loved being on stage in front of people. I'm sure that's some kind of ego trip or a way to overcome shyness. I was very kind of shy and reserved, so there's a way to be on stage and be performing and balance your life out.

I never thought much about success early on. I only thought about being a comedian - or just being in show business, is really more accurate.

I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punch lines. The moment you say the punch line, the audience either laughs sincerely or they laugh automatically or they don't laugh. The thing that bothered me was that automatic laugh. I said, that's not real laughter.

I think I meant that, given the circumstances of my childhood, I had the illusion that it's easier to be alone. To have your relationships be casual and also to pose as a solitary person, because it was more romantic. You know, I was raised on the idea of the ramblin' man and the loner.

I think there are people out there writing original bluegrass songs, but it's hard to get them out on the air.

I think when I was young, let's call it high school, and even before that, I just loved comedy, and I loved comedians. I grew up watching Laurel and Hardy. That's really a long time ago. I loved Jerry Lewis. I just loved comedians.

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.

I thought if I had a Twitter feed and say I had a following of a 100,000, that means 100,000 of them would be interested in my book. It was logical, but it didn't turn out to be true. It turned out if I had a Twitter feed of a 100,000, four of them were interested in my book.

I was always a huge fan of E. E. Cummings. He did a series of lectures at Harvard or Princeton, and they were recorded. And they were incredibly moving.

I was not naturally talented. I didn't sing, dance or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive.

I was raised with 'Laurel and Hardy' and 'I Love Lucy' and Jerry Lewis, and I just loved it. And I had a friend in high school and we would just laugh all day and put on skits. You know, it's the Andy Kaufman thing or the Marty Short thing where you're performing in your bedroom for yourself.