With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

With silly stuff its seventy five percent confidence. I always tell people that its because Im nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.

When I tested for Billy Budd, I had that kind of confidence that comes with the certainty that you're not going to get something. I was very rough around the edges.

Confidence comes from hours and days and weeks and years of constant work and dedication.

By the way, the secret of speaking French is confidence. Whether you are right or wrong, you don't hesitate.

If you improve a teacher's self-esteem, confidence, communication skills or stress levels, you improve that teacher's overall effectiveness across the curriculum.

Any new producer starting up is to get investors' confidence. Investors are still very very wary of anything to do with the arts world.

A business of high principle generates greater drive and effectiveness because people know that they can do the right thing decisively and with confidence.

False shame accompanies a man that is poor, shame that either harms a man greatly or profits him; shame is with poverty, but confidence with wealth.

As a scouting department, with the confidence we have in our player development, if a guy has the potential that we think they have and the makeup and they stay healthy, we think they will be a productive Major Leaguer. We take a lot of pride in that.

Attempt easy tasks as if they were difficult, and difficult as if they were easy; in the one case that confidence may not fall asleep, in the other that it may not be dismayed.

I have great confidence in the universal value and in basic human rights and I have great confidence that referenda will eventually take root and become part of our daily lives in Taiwan.

Well, I am a Republican, and I would run as a Republican. And I have a lot of confidence in the Republican Party. I don't have a lot of confidence in the president. I think what's happening to this country is unbelievably bad. We're no longer a respected country.

I think it is important to maintain a sense of self and confidence, not letting either falter for the sake of a particular part or project, no matter how great it might be.

Union of religious sentiments begets a surprising confidence.

We were given clear concrete tools. The course did a great job demystifying the art of fiction writing and fostering confidence. The instructor brought complex concepts down to earth. I will miss coming here every week.

Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done.

Confidence in golf means being able to concentrate on the problem at hand with no outside interference.

It is obvious that putting the Arab-Israeli dispute on a resolution track would be an important element of overcoming the confidence problem in the region.

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.

I think that feeling that if one believed absolutely in any cause, then one must have the confidence, the self-certainty, to go through with that particular course of action.

The notion of a universality of human experience is a confidence trick and the notion of a universality of female experience is a clever confidence trick.

My friend made me a leather dress for the MTV awards. It gives you confidence, wearing something you love.