I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.