Wilson Mizner

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

God help those who do not help themselves.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.

Easy street is a blind alley.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

Be nice to people on your way up because youll meet them on your way down.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere but after a while he knows something.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

Gambling The sure way of getting nothing for something.

The worst tempered people Ive ever met were people who know they were wrong.

Art is science made clear.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere but after a while he gets to know something.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

A fellow who is always declaring that hes no fool usually has his suspicions.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

You sparkle with larceny.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

In the battle of existence, talent is the punch; tact is the clever footwork.

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.

Failure has gone to his head.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.