When you tell a story, all I can think about is how much shorter it should be.

Teach a man to fish and he'll still vote for the guy that gives him a fish.

Too many people are smart enough to be angry, but not smart enough to be successful.

Haircuts are a great economic indicator. In bad times, it’s every 8 weeks. In good, it’s every 6. I go every 3 weeks.

There was a time when we sent the undesirables to islands. Now you have to buy an island just to get away from them.

Whenever someone asks how I’m doing, I usually just lie and say ‘good’, even though I’m doing a lot better than that.

Darwin had not considered a world where smart people have fewer babies, and dumb people have more.

I don’t post on Facebook. It’s more important for me to have a great life than it is for people to think I have one.

Work hard. Eat right. Exercise. Don’t drink too much. And only buy what you can afford. It’s not rocket science.

I’d watch a TV show where teens describe their most popular Instagrams to WW2 veterans.

The fact that most people are too stupid to know how dumb they really are is the fabric holding our society together.

All cats are libertarians. Completely dependent on others but fully convinced of their own independence.

Talent is the only thing that stands between most people and their dreams.

Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.

Do what you love’ is great advice for making 30k a year.

It’s ok to be the lion. And it’s ok to be the gazelle. Either way, you just have to be faster than the slowest gazelle.

The most and least successful people all share the same trait: thinking they’re never wrong.

Statistically speaking, you shouldn’t worry about what your first wife’s mother looks like.

If her first phone was an iPhone, she’s too young for you, bro.

Some people assume I am quiet, boring, or shy, without ever realizing that I just don’t like them.

Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.

Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun is over.

I’m not debating the issue. I’m just trying to explain why I am right.

Money can’t buy happiness but it solves 95% of the problems that make you unhappy.

If you’re not dead to at least one person, you’re not living right.

Most people think freedom means getting a bigger cut of somebody else’s money.

I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

The new standard of cool is hanging out with friends and not ever looking at a phone.

Most celebrities barely have high school diplomas so who gives a shit what they think on substantive issues.

Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

The grass is greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Only Neanderthals resort to violence. I prefer crushing one’s spirit, hope, or ego.

One of my favorite things is when someone posts a selfie and nobody likes it.

98% of people making comments about Nelson Mandela on social media would fail a history quiz on Nelson Mandela.

Some chick asked me what I would do with 10 million bucks. I told her I’d wonder where the rest of my money went.

I don’t have an iPhone case. I’m not irresponsible or poor.

You shouldn’t retire until your money starts making more money than you made in your best year.

When I hear, ‘Got a minute?’ I know I’m about to lose a half hour of my life that I can never get back.

Just be yourself’ is good advice to probably 5% of people.

Tattoos aren’t my thing. That’d be like putting a bumper sticker on a Lamborghini.

Poor people eat so much fast food you’d think their time was valuable.

I start every cell conversation with ‘my phone’s about to die’ so they don’t waste my time.

Before people are allowed to opine about Syria, they should have to locate it on a map.

It’s too bad stupidity isn’t painful.

We didn’t climb our way to the top of the food chain by being vegetarians.

Most people wouldn’t even be the main character in a movie about their own lives.

You’re not on Facebook? All your high school friends probably assume you’re dead. – Nah. I’m sure they’ve Googled me.

If someone has a tattoo saying, ‘Only God Can Judge Me’, I’m gonna prove them wrong.