If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Heck, what's a little extortion among friends?

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.

It's surprising how hard we'll work when the work is done just for ourselves.

Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.

Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.

From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.

Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery - it recharges by running.

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Mothers are the necessity of invention.

The world of a comic strip ought to be a special place with its own logic and life... I don't want the issue of Hobbes's reality settled by a doll manufacturer.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.

If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

A real job is a job you hate.

Genius is never understood in its own time.

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.

When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.

So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

Letting your mind play is the best way to solve problems.

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.

Rainy days should be spent at home with a cup of tea and a good book.

A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.

I like these cold gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.