The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it.

You know youre getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

If you havent any charity in your heart you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing

My idea of Christmas whether old fashioned or modern is very simple loving others. Come to think of it why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that

I grew up with six brothers. Thats how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know youre getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

You know youre getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

If you havent got any charity in your heart you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game its fun. If you play at it its recreation. If you work at it its golf.

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things "not the great occasions "give off the greatest glow of happiness.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things not the great occasions that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

You haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

The perception is that more important people watch news in the evenings than in the mornings.

Fashion is treated too much as news rather than what it is, what it does and how it performs.