Bob Newhart

I've been a very lucky actor.

For some reason, comedians are still children. The social skills somehow never reach us, so we say exactly what we think without weighing the results.

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.

You're not dead at 85. You're a long way from it. Go out and enjoy. You've earned it.

I don't think of myself as an American Master. I've just been making a living.

People are meant to be certain places, and I think I'm meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy.

I always hated when the studios just kind of said that anybody can act. You look at people like Spencer Tracy, Henry Fonda - and I'm just talking about the male actors - there aren't a lot who can act. It's a very special talent, and I wish it were recognized as a very special talent.

Funny is funny is funny.

Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn't tell you a joke.

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.

I love portraying the totally indifferent person.

The highest of highs is to have a new routine that you're just breaking in and that's working, and that's - you're one step removed doing a situation comedy because you have a live audience there.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

When I started, I was doing all the good comedians I'd ever seen. Then I developed my own voice. My routines are my natural way of looking at the world.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright.

When youre going for a joke youre stuck out there if it doesnt work. Theres nowhere to go. Youve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and youre out on the end of the plank.

I'm glad you can't talk on your cells while the plane is in the air. That would drive me crazy.

Don't live in the past. There's no point. You can't change anything. What a waste of time.

With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attach to the cell phone itself, it's getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone.

No matter what hyenas sound like, they are not actually laughing.

There was a sea of change in comedy in the late 1950s and '60s. We were dealing with vignettes as opposed to jokes. We were more socially aware.

Mark Twain gave us an insight into the life on the Mississippi at the turn of the century.

I didn't know I was cool, but I was very flattered that some of the younger comedy writers came up to talk to me at the Emmys. I found that gratifying.

The greatest comedian I've ever seen is Jack Benny. He wasn't afraid of the silences.

With the stand-up comic on TV, whether it's Seinfeld or Cosby or Roseanne, more important than their knowledge of how to tell a joke is their knowledge of themselves, or the persona they've created as themselves. So that when you're in a room with writers, you can say, 'Guys, that's a funny line, but I wouldn't say it.'

The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills.

Chuck Lorre and I had been talking about doing one of his shows for a while. I said I'd like to do 'The Big Bang Theory,' because I think it's the best written, most intelligent show on television.

I think that what comes through in Chicago humor is the affection. Even though you're poking fun at someone or something, there's still an affection for it.

The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.

I don't want to sound like the old guy, but cynicism is a potential danger. It colors our way of looking at the world.

Humor is so important to the American scene throughout history.

You do a clean show and it's over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you've enjoyed yourself, and you haven't had to resort to shock.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event deal with it and then move on.

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

All I can say about life is, 'Oh God, enjoy it!'

I was not influenced by Jack Benny, and people have remarked on my timing and Jack's timing, but I don't think you can teach timing. It's something you hear in your head.

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

I don't think too much about age. Maybe if you're hurting, aching and arthritic, then you think about it a lot. But I don't.

I was very political when JFK ran.

Don Rickles and I are best friends. I know that might seem strange to those who know Don only by reputation, but somebody has to be his friend. Just to make sure I don't forget, Don gave me a doormat that sits just outside the front door of my house. It reads: 'The Newharts: The Rickleses Best Friends.'

I can't do a one-camera show. I don't know how to do that kind of show where you count in your head and then you do the next line.

There is an edginess in my work that people don't always recognize.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.

I think there's a little confusion between humor and 'gross' passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable, because they aren't the same thing.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.

The acting is better when you know your material is being judged.

I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn't work, then I knew it didn't work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn't torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life.

I don't have a stack of scripts that, when I get home, studios are clamoring, saying, 'Has Bob read ours yet?'

If you look at Jack Benny, George Burns, or Don Rickles, they've all had long, successful marriages. So, I think there's something about laughter and the durability of a marriage.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

It's kind of hard coming from 'Saturday Night Live,' which is a sketch-driven show, to a movie.

I've had time off, and it drove me nuts. I was crawling up the wall.

'The Mary Tyler Moore Show' was the best television, the best cast, the best-written television show ever.

Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, I believe at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, 'You really aren't cut out for accounting.'

I have an aversion to laugh tracks - the moment I hear a laugh track, I go to another channel.

It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.

I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.

Stand-up is different from television. In stand-up, you've got to be in control.

I'm not what you'd call a Method actor.

A lot of money is spent trying to keep people alive who don't necessarily want to be alive.

I certainly don't delude myself that there aren't certainly more important things to do in life than make people laugh, but I can't imagine anything that would bring me more joy.

For a comedian, there is nothing better than watching another great comedian.

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

I don't know how to do a show not in front of a live audience.

I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.

People have told me, 'My dad passed on, but I have great memories of watching your shows with him.' It doesn't get any better than that.

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

I don't know how doctors pick one specialty over another. Some you can understand. Pediatricians. Or gynecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology?

One time I happened to use the word 'denigrate' onstage, and it didn't get any reaction. So as I continued my act, the left side of my brain was fast-forwarding to see if I had any other big words coming up.

What you see on stage is pretty much the way I am... a dry sense of humor.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant... I just had a degree in accounting. The reason I was never a Certified Public Accountant was because it would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

I don't have a stack of scripts.

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

I don't watch that much television.

I was an accountant in Chicago, and a friend of mine, Ed Gallagher, was in advertising. At 4:30 every day I'd be bored, and I would call him. He'd interview me.

When I first started out, 'Time' magazine did an article on what it called 'the sick comics,' and they were myself, Shelley Berman, Nichols & May, Jonathan Winters, Lenny Bruce, and Mort Sahl. We were considered 'sick.'

I made a record album in 1960 and it exploded, and I got all these offers for TV.

People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail.

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

There are some actresses that can't do comedy; it's too heavy-handed.

I have to warn you, I'm not just some sitcom guy. I'm now an author.

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

When I was off TV, people would ask me to please come back, which I think was their way of saying, 'There's nothing out there for us.'

I left 'The Bob Newhart Show,' which was my decision. CBS wanted it to go on. But I could see television changing; I could see the tastes were changing.

I just don't think most people put myself and Robert Frost in the same category.

The first time I heard Richard Pryor, I knew he would be a major force in the world of comedy.

I loved 'Everybody Loves Raymond' because I like Ray and I thought it was beautifully cast, I thought it was great writing. I thought Patricia Heaton was wonderful.

If 'The New York Times' says it, it must be true.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.

I made people laugh as a kid, but that's not how you make a living.

Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn't afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.