I don't have a stack of scripts.

I've been a very lucky actor.

Funny is funny is funny.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

All I can say about life is, 'Oh God, enjoy it!'

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.

I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

I don't have a stack of scripts.

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn't afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story.

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

'The Mary Tyler Moore Show' was the best television, the best cast, the best-written television show ever.

A lot of money is spent trying to keep people alive who don't necessarily want to be alive.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

Chuck Lorre and I had been talking about doing one of his shows for a while. I said I'd like to do 'The Big Bang Theory,' because I think it's the best written, most intelligent show on television.

Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life.

Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn't tell you a joke.

Don Rickles and I are best friends. I know that might seem strange to those who know Don only by reputation, but somebody has to be his friend. Just to make sure I don't forget, Don gave me a doormat that sits just outside the front door of my house. It reads: 'The Newharts: The Rickleses Best Friends.'

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Don't live in the past. There's no point. You can't change anything. What a waste of time.

For a comedian, there is nothing better than watching another great comedian.

For some reason, comedians are still children. The social skills somehow never reach us, so we say exactly what we think without weighing the results.

Humor is so important to the American scene throughout history.

I always hated when the studios just kind of said that anybody can act. You look at people like Spencer Tracy, Henry Fonda - and I'm just talking about the male actors - there aren't a lot who can act. It's a very special talent, and I wish it were recognized as a very special talent.

I can't do a one-camera show. I don't know how to do that kind of show where you count in your head and then you do the next line.

I certainly don't delude myself that there aren't certainly more important things to do in life than make people laugh, but I can't imagine anything that would bring me more joy.

I didn't know I was cool, but I was very flattered that some of the younger comedy writers came up to talk to me at the Emmys. I found that gratifying.

I don't have a stack of scripts that, when I get home, studios are clamoring, saying, 'Has Bob read ours yet?'

I don't know how doctors pick one specialty over another. Some you can understand. Pediatricians. Or gynecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology?

I don't know how to do a show not in front of a live audience.

I don't think of myself as an American Master. I've just been making a living.

I don't think too much about age. Maybe if you're hurting, aching and arthritic, then you think about it a lot. But I don't.

I don't want to sound like the old guy, but cynicism is a potential danger. It colors our way of looking at the world.

I don't watch that much television.

I found the most difficult thing when you became successful - when I had the record album, it won Album of the Year - that you were cut off from the source of your material. Your material was everyday people, and you were kind of cut off from that, and you had to work at it.

I have an aversion to laugh tracks - the moment I hear a laugh track, I go to another channel.

I have no intention of retiring; I can't imagine not doing stand-up. That's where I started and where I'll be.

I have to warn you, I'm not just some sitcom guy. I'm now an author.

I just don't think most people put myself and Robert Frost in the same category.