Carol Burnett

We don't stop going to school when we graduate.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.

It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.

I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.

My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.

I liked myself better when I wasn't me.

My grandmother and I followed my mother here, to a house a block north of Hollywood Boulevard but a million miles away from Hollywood, if you know what I mean. We would hang out behind the ropes and look at the movie stars arriving at the premieres.

Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.

But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Because nobody goes through life without a scar.

You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has.

My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.

Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.

But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry.

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.

You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself.

Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on - I guess you'd call it welfare, what we called relief.