Colin Quinn

My name has zero value.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write.

Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.