I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I'm a late-night guy.

I get so into the moment.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

I had the humble beginnings. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.