One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

I lapsed into rude.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

I rant, therefore I am.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. Whats the worst thing that could happen If everything went wrong maybe youd get a pulse.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Roosevelt's magic lay in one facet of his personality: He knew how to take the risk. No other man in public life I knew could so readily take the challenge of the new.

Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.

Photography is a major force in explaining man to man.

The world is... the natural setting of, and field for, all my thoughts and all my explicit perceptions. Truth does not inhabit only the inner man, or more accurately, there is no inner man, man is in the world, and only in the world does he know himself.

I am neither a child, a young man, nor an ancient; nor am I of any caste.

I want the municipality to be a helping hand to the man with a desire of sympathy, to help the fallen when it is not in their power to help themselves.

I always looked for a man to rescue me and bring me happiness. I bought into that myth, of course, and looked for my own Prince Charming.

A desire to be observed, considered, esteemed, praised, beloved, and admired by his fellows is one of the earliest as well as the keenest dispositions discovered in the heart of man.