The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

I lapsed into rude.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

I rant, therefore I am.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. Whats the worst thing that could happen If everything went wrong maybe youd get a pulse.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

We must support initiatives that provide clear, concrete measures and milestones that our troops need for defeating the insurgency, building up Iraqi security forces, and handing over Iraq to the Iraqi people.

Before and during the first phase of the war his administration repeatedly maligned the UN but now, that Iraq has turned into a quagmire, it is asking the UN for help.

Athletes as role models and heroes is a hoax, a sick hoax. The men and women who are fighting in Iraq, they are the true heroes.

But in the first Gulf war the United Kingdom was not under any threat from Iraq, and is still less so in the second one. Then there is no justification for obstructing freedom of information, particularly as nations have a right to know what their soldiers are being used for.

As I think through the issue of funding the rebuilding of Iraq, I think about the analogy of a bankruptcy proceeding. There is no doubt that Iraq as a country is bankrupt.

Our brave soldiers and support personnel are engaged in a battle as important as any the United States has ever before waged, for the success of democracy in Iraq is a crucial test of the ideals this Nation was founded upon.

The situation in Iraq will be long, it will be expensive and it will be difficult. But in the end, Iraq will very much be worth it.

It's true that the war in Iraq opened a distance in relations between part of Europe and the U.S. government, but our basic ties are stronger than that. We share democracy, free markets and a commitment to Western security. We differ on how to guarantee that security.