A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.

A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.

For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown into innings.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen.

Middle Age - later than you think and sooner than you expect.

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.

Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

Today's accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.

Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air.

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you assured him couldn't be done.

Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.

Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone.

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

He's an honest man - you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.

The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.

Ever notice that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty.

Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.

A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women but not far enough to lose his balance.

If you think nobody cares if youre alive try missing a couple of car payments.

You may not be able to read a doctors handwriting and prescription but youll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you assured him couldnt be done.

Home nowadays is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you dont.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what youve been taking.

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think that she's attractive to the opposite sex.

If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Every single day, we have hundreds, if not thousands of police officers protecting the lives of not just New Yorkers, but the millions who come to New York City to work and to vacation.

If we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want to get out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two weeks' vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days.

I'm a Catholic, but I used to love going to Vacation Bible School with my fundamentalist friends.

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.

Things have slowed down considerably since the new series has started airing and I am currently looking for work. It has been a nice year-long vacation nonetheless.

I think actually what I'm going to do when I'm done and take my next vacation, is I'm going to go over and start unions in Japan. I'm going to unionize Japan. Because the way they work those crews is so criminal. There's no overtime, so they can just keep going.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.