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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
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How young can you die of old age?
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I invented the cordless extension cord.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
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If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
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I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright