Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt, and fail.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

When your mother asks Do you want a piece of advice it is a mere formality. It doesnt matter if you answer yes or no. Youre going to get it anyway.

If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory an empty gin bottle.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Children make your life important.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says hes doing nothing but the dog is barking call 911.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. Its literary suicide.

Its frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour she can hurt you.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. Youre not out of it until the computer says youre out of it.

Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty?

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend and hes a priest.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

What were really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean why else would they call it Thanksgiving.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty two years of child raising they are unemployed.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church a public meeting place during a movie or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

Like religion politics and family planning cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. Its too controversial.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

A grandmother pretends she doesnt know who you are on Halloween.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Housework if you do it right will kill you.

It is not until you become a mother than your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice safe playpen. When theyre finished I climb out.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Every puppy should have a boy.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasnt danced on television.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Laugh now cry later.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

Marriage has no guarantees. If thats what youre looking for go live with a car battery.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.