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Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Erma Bombeck
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Erma Bombeck
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Erma Bombeck
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Erma Bombeck
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
Erma Bombeck
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Erma Bombeck
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Erma Bombeck
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Erma Bombeck
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
Erma Bombeck
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Erma Bombeck
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck
Children make your life important.
Erma Bombeck
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Erma Bombeck
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Erma Bombeck
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Erma Bombeck
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Erma Bombeck
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
Erma Bombeck
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Erma Bombeck
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Erma Bombeck
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Erma Bombeck
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Erma Bombeck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma Bombeck
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Erma Bombeck
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Erma Bombeck
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck