Frank Carson

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.