The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

The path of sound credence is through the thick forest of skepticism.

Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.

An actor without a playwright is like a hole without a doughnut.

So long as there is one pretty girl left on the stage, the professional undertakers may hold up their burial of the theater.

Love demands infinitely less than friendship.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

A man admires a woman not for what she says, but what she listens to.

Beauty makes idiots sad and wise men merry.

It is also said of me that I now and then contradict myself. Yes, I improve wonderfully as time goes on.

A man's wife is his compromise with the illusion of his first sweetheart.

It is only the cynicism that is born of success that is penetrating and valid.

I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink.

Criticism is the windows and chandeliers of art: it illuminates the enveloping darkness in which art might otherwise rest only vaguely discernible, and perhaps altogether unseen.

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.

Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness.

To speak of morals in art is to speak of legislature in sex. Art is the sex of the imagination.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Whenever a man encounters a woman in a mood he doesn't understand, he wants to know if she's tired.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward.

Common sense, in so far as it exists, is all for the bourgeoisie. Nonsense is the privilege of the aristocracy. The worries of the world are for the common people.

Bad officials are the ones elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Criticism is the art of appraising others at one's own value.

I have yet to find a man worth his salt in any direction who did not think of himself first and foremost.

What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.

Politics is the diversion of trivial men who, when they succeed at it, become important in the eyes of more trivial men.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

The bachelors admired freedom is often a yoke for the freer a man is to himself the greater slave he often is to the whims of others.

Oftentimes, the best negotiations result in a deal that benefits both parties. There are times when you simply want to go for the jugular, but often, you want the other person to feel pleased with the outcome, even if you are the clear victor.

As you get older, time speeds up but life slows down.

My dad was a very violent, frightening and dangerous guy. Next to him, I was this vague kind of kid who walked around, as I still do, gathering impressions.

In essence, I owe my career to Garry Marshall. There was no known reason for him to hire me for 'Pretty Woman.'

I just can't go to the mall. It bothers me that I can't be outside very often.

But my longevity is due to my good timing.

In this job, you're going to make decisions. You'll say things that some people are going to love them, some people are going to hate them. It's just part of the job.

If the opposition disarms, well and good. If it refuses to disarm, we shall disarm it ourselves.

Because it is so hard in any life to believe in what you cant fully understand.

There's a lot in my closet. I've been collecting things since I was five. I'm definitely a pack rat. I'm not a hoarder, but I'm definitely a pack rat. I will keep anything if I have a memory in it or a good moment.

It can be a beautiful experience to look for the magic that is hidden within the realm of our lives; but let's not let the process blind us to the majesty that is right in front of us.

Our failure as a society to properly acknowledge and confront the psychological, social, and political effects of white privilege has perpetuated racial inequality and race-based political resentments.

The Internet lets women use words, which is their natural tool. Little girls speak in more complex, grammatical sentences than little boys do, and women never lose that superiority in verbal ability.

I think you can look at the British economy with confidence.

Base Ball, to be played thoroughly, requires the possession of muscular strength, great agility, quickness of eye, readiness of hand, and many other faculties of mind and body that mark the man of nerve.

One of our fundamental human needs is finding our partner that we hope we will stay with for the rest of our lives. You often find the same search in other genres. The mystery novel has a romance subplot. Literary novels often focus on that relationship but do not often end well.

A lost election can have the jolt of a drop through the gallows door, leading to a dark night of the soul in which the future presses down like a cloud that will never lift.