George S. Kaufman

When I was born I owed twelve dollars.

At dramatic rehearsals, the only author that's better than an absent one is a dead one.

Satire is what closes on Saturday night.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Office hours are from 12 to 1 with an hour off for lunch.

Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

I understand your new play is full of single entendres.

The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine.