Greg Giraldo

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.