I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.