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The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Groucho Marx
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
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Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx