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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman
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She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Henny Youngman
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
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My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny Youngman
Take my wife... Please!
Henny Youngman
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman