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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
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Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
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How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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