Joan Rivers

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to tupperware.

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Never floss with a stranger.

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I will work as hard as I do because I love it.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is Gods gift thats why we call it the present.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I look like without plastic surgery.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

My audiences get younger all the time.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.