Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Never floss with a stranger.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Every television show you go on is a choice.