You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.

A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life.

We were a country band with a social conscience.

I'll sign anything except bad legislation.

The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.'

Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Young people are the key to this election.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate.

I don't apologize to people with an agenda.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

A happy childhood...is the worst possible preparation for life.

Money can buy you a fine dog but only love can make him wag his tail.