Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

We are all in this together, by ourselves.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

The best mind-altering drug is the truth.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

The road to success is always under construction.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Remember we're all in this alone.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

We're all in this alone.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.

The problem with winning the rat race is you're still a rat.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat.

You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it.

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

If truth is beauty how come no one has their hair done in a library

Reality is a crutch for people who cant cope with drugs.

I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific.

If truth is beauty how come no one has their hair done in the library.

Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket “ The road to success is always under construction.

I always knew I wanted to become somebody when I grew up. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.