We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.

I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.

Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.

I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas.

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.

Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.

We all think we're going to get out of debt.

A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?

We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.

I started a big part of my career in Vegas.

All great comedians make me laugh, but people make me laugh more.

Everybody wanted to make it. One guy makes it. In a family when one guy makes it... 'Hey ain't you going to help us out?'

Everyone always comes to one point in their life as an artist where you can either let your heart guide you or your ego.

I can't stay long; I'm in between meals.

I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life.

I have about 1,000 hours of myself on tape in a vault in Los Angeles. But I also have a photographic memory about my jokes, because they're really about me; they're my stories.

I really try to have fun. If I don't have fun, you won't have fun. That's what my gift is: to relieve people from a little of the pain and comfort in their lives by allowing my comedy to distract them. A good laugh is almost as good as any doctor visit.

I was 10th of 11 kids in an alcoholic, abusive, poor family. We all want things that we can't have. And I found comedy.

I was kind of a Rickles comic to begin with. I was caustic, and I was abusive and mean to the audience.

I would trade everything I have to have had a happier childhood.

If I have food in the house and I'm laying in bed, I go, 'I bet that Captain Crunch is lonely in the cupboard.'

Well, isn't every successful person in every family the bankbook?

When I say, 'I can't stay long, I'm in-between meals,' that plays differently on the radio than it does in person. So I have to pick material that works because the words are funny, not just because of the images.

You can't open anything after your 50. You have to wait 'til people stop by the house. 'Oh my God, I'm glad you're here.'

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I dont have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldnt pawn this off on anybody. Im sorry it happened. And I hurt people.

Working mothers do an hour more per day than working fathers do and working mothers do on average an hour more per day with the kids than working fathers do.

I didn't do the typical things that young kids do.

My kids enjoy the Disney program, Lizzy McGuire.

I want to spend more time with those kids. I want to dedicate my time to train those kids and teach them what it takes, what they need to do to get to this level.

I think having eight kids evens things out a bit. You learn about the world; you learn about the world; you learn you've got to get along. We're all - if anything - very adjustable.

We're parents first, and once you have kids, everybody knows that you have priority lists. Number one is your family and everything else just kind of finds its place.

I want to promote poetry to the point where you got all the baldhead kids running around doing poetry, getting the music out of the way and having only words, the spoken word, and then see what happens.

If kids like a picture book, they're going to read it at least 50 times. Read anything that often, and even minor imperfections start to feel like gravel in the bed.

Sounds so silly, but I want to accomplish getting my kids through college.

And there's a lot of that stuff with people bringing their kids, kids bringing their parents, people bringing their grandparents - I mean, it's gotten to be really stretched out now. It was never my intention to say, this is the demographics of our audience.

It's up to each person's parents whether they think it's too frightening or too violent, how much their kids can handle, what they want to teach them, what they want to show them.

For kids it's natural to be competitive.

I'd hope to reach any kid who feels apart from the group - those who seem to be outsiders, who feel different. Kids who want to reach their parents often don't know how to do so.

So, not only am I panicking over the weekend if I need to know my lines, but also if can I get the kids to the zoo. Can I even go to church? I was asking for certain things that would allow me to plan my life a little better.

The real question isn't whether you love your kids or not, but how well you are able to demonstrate your love and caring so that your children really feel loved.

Young kids are taking Viagra, ecstasy. They even want instant sex.

I think women are natural caretakers. They take care of everybody. They take care of their husbands and their kids and their dogs, and don't spend a lot of time just getting back and taking time out.

The Professional Children's School, it's for professional kids, so if you wanted to ditch, you could just write, Audition on a note and leave. I didn't really like school all that much.

I mean, obviously, a lot of people know me around the world. Kids know me.

My kids act all the time and it's exactly what I used to do.

I'm doing naughty things, I'm drinking too much, I'm going to clubs. It really didn't matter to me, other than the fact that some parents wouldn't let their kids hang out with me.