It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are.

I get letters from women, and they say, 'I love your Roman nose.' If I weren't on TV and I walked past that same woman, she'd go, 'Did you see the beak on that guy?

The Iraqis have once again failed to meet a deadline for a final draft of the constitution.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are.

Not a lot of conservatives on this list. Are more liberals than conservatives screwing up America?

Does anyone want to see a person who's making the money that the newspapers say I'm making complaining, 'Woe is me, my life is terrible, and people are being unfair?' No one would've had any patience for that. I wouldn't have any patience for that.

Even the bad interviews I think you learn from. They make you better.

I admire people who are completely at ease with themselves. But I don't have that feeling.

I am the luckiest guy I know.

I can't be as open on national television as I can when I'm having dinner with friends. But that doesn't mean the type of person I am is different. My values, my dislikes, my sense of humor are the same.

I kid my friends who are golfers, and I say, 'If you ever hear me complain, hit me in the butt with a putter' because I have no reason to complain. Even on days when you don't like what you see in the paper, I have no reason to complain.

I probably would do over the Tom Cruise interview because I've thought of so many things I would have said in hindsight.

I worry about that every single day: Am I being a good father?

If you have a bad experience on the air, you don't think you've done your job, or you have an embarrassing moment. I guarantee you'll work harder the next time not to let it happen again.

In some ways, being No. 2 in the ratings is a real shot in the arm, a kick in the pants.

In this business, the minute you start feeling comfortable about the show you're doing or the ratings you're getting, you're in big trouble.

Katie Couric is kind of my soulmate.

Meredith Vieira warms my heart.

My dad was Jewish. My mom is not. So I was not raised anything.

People don't want to see me having a bad morning. They have job problems, financial problems, family pressures, kids to get off to school. The last thing they want to wake up to is someone showing them the same problems. So maybe that's the one time I am forced to act.

Times are harder there right now. I think it's been well publicized. We are - the show is not where I want it to be right now. The ratings are not where I want them to be. I want to make it better.

What makes people successful in this business is to be yourself on camera. Sounds simple. It's not.

When people start to write articles about what might be wrong with the 'Today' show you know where you should point the finger, point it at me because I have been there the longest. And it's my responsibility.

When you feel your family is being threatened and hurt, you speak up. And then you put your head down and go back about your business.

When you have somebody in a position of power show interest in you after you've kind of been down and out, that's a big boost.

You get your dream job and, in my opinion, despite anything they might say about you professionally or personally, you shut up, and you just do the job - and enjoy it.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but cant remember what they are.

It's funny, 'cause it seems like just yesterday that I was the youngest player just starting out. But now there are young players all over the league, and they'll ask me questions about playing overseas or finding an agent.

When Frank the Pug is singing I Will Survive, the only reason it's funny is that Will is in that shot trying not to get angry. A shot of a dog singing I Will Survive on its own will not get a laugh.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

Robert Altman's Nashville is my all-time favorite film because it covers all the bases - it's original, moving, and has something to say, but also funny and incredibly entertaining.

You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.

There's a constant flow of child actors. It's kind of funny to watch the new crew come through. I think, You poor little things. You're going to have to struggle for a long time.

For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.

I don't think there has been any increase in sophistication in the audience. When people are aware of a concept that's easy to understand, and there's an actor who will attract them to the theater and it's a movie that's funny three-quarters of the time, it will be successful.

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

So while it is true that I find really dark stuff funny sometimes, it's also true that as a writer of books I want to have the whole range of human emotions.

When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group.

So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work.

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.

Baldwin is sort of getting to be a bit funny. I don't know what happened, but a few years ago they suddenly went bankrupt and Gibson bought the whole outfit. Since then they haven't seemed to be doing an awfully good job of providing pianos.

It's funny how sometimes how the public some people think I was born like this. That I maybe I sleep and I do big muscle, but its a lot of work to look like this and to be in this kind of condition.

I think back to some of the things Harry said and some of the things I said trying to be funny. If I said them now, it would be on the front page of every newspaper in the country.

Shirley MacLaine said, You're so funny, then gave me a hug. Everything went white. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. I thought I was going to pass out.