Ogden Nash

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

Too clever is dumb.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup whenever youre wrong admit it whenever youre right shut up.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes we go to it with reluctance yet we quit it with regret we make up our minds every night to leave it early but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

Certainly there are things in life that money cant buy but its very funny Did you ever try buying them without money

All husbands are alike but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

When grandparents enter the door discipline flies out the window.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

The cow is of the bovine ilk One end is moo the other milk.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

Candy is dandy. But liquor is quicker.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

Shake and shake the catsup bottle. None will come, and then a lot'll.

Your hair may be brushed but your minds untidy. Youve had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. Youre sunk from a riot of relaxation.

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.

Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as legislature.... So people who go to bed to sleep Must count French premiers or sheep, And people who ought to arise from bed Yawn and go back to sleep instead.

Children arent happy with nothing to ignore and thats what parents were created for.

Children arent happy without something to ignore and thats what parents were created for.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup. Whenever you're wrong, admit it. Whenever you're right, shut up.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

Marriage a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong admit it; Whenever you're right shut up.

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men women an occasional animal and the common cold.

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.

The cow is of the bovine ilk one end is moo the other milk.

There is something about a Martini, A tingle remarkably pleasant; A yellow, a mellow Martini; I wish that I had one at present.

Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

A husband is a guy who tells you when youve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?

Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental But the one that is both Is dental.

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely

People cant concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty fifth of December.

Basketball a game which wont be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus high and return the giraffes to the zoo.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.