Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

Too clever is dumb.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?

Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

Marriage a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

Basketball a game which wont be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus high and return the giraffes to the zoo.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes we go to it with reluctance yet we quit it with regret we make up our minds every night to leave it early but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

Children arent happy with nothing to ignore and thats what parents were created for.

The cow is of the bovine ilk one end is moo the other milk.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them but none are fun when you set about retiring them.