I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household.

Someday I'm going to go onstage in a dress if I want to.

If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death.

I feel now it's useless to keep hoping. The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I've decided if I can make people laugh, I'm making a more important contribution.

My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly.

The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I'd get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I never got to talk to you.

I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I don't understand why people don't remember my name.

An actor shouldn't undergo psychoanalysis, because there are a lot of things you're better off not knowing.

My table seats eight, so that's my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn't get wrecked that way.

My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of that.

Learning lines is on my mind until I do know them. I'll read the paper or paint the house to keep from starting to memorize. I've never found an easy way.

I have an ulcer. It has an IQ of 185.

The doctor's name was Sylvia. I told her she'd have a problem with me because Sylvia was my mother's name.

If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic.

A room is like a stage. If you see it without lighting, it can be the coldest place in the world.

It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.

Politicians... talk in generalities and lies, and I think they've caused all our grief. They're so awful, they're really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and stored.

If I'm not working, I don't know what to do.

When I said I didn't have a cent, I didn't. I used to get annoyed with people who said they were broke when they had five dollars.

Sandwiches are wonderful. You don't need a spoon or a plate!

I was obsessed with being rich and famous.

My following is straight. I'm so glad.

Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable.

I'm Liberace without a piano.

I laughed all the way through Love Story.

The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt.

I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day.

My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business.

Mothers don't want to pinch me or put me in their purse.

My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables, for that matter.

I think basically an actor is a salesman.

I don't always prepare such rich meals. Sometimes I'll just serve a simple quiche, salad and dessert for dinner. During the week I try to eat lightly.

It's funny, 'cause it seems like just yesterday that I was the youngest player just starting out. But now there are young players all over the league, and they'll ask me questions about playing overseas or finding an agent.

When Frank the Pug is singing I Will Survive, the only reason it's funny is that Will is in that shot trying not to get angry. A shot of a dog singing I Will Survive on its own will not get a laugh.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

Robert Altman's Nashville is my all-time favorite film because it covers all the bases - it's original, moving, and has something to say, but also funny and incredibly entertaining.

You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.

There's a constant flow of child actors. It's kind of funny to watch the new crew come through. I think, You poor little things. You're going to have to struggle for a long time.