I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe murderer.

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. Thats how she learned how to swim. I said Mom they werent trying to teach you how to swim.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

Listen, the obvious thing to remember is without dark, there is no light, and without light, there is no dark.

I wouldn't mind being the lead guitarist in an incredibly successful rock band. However, I don't play the guitar.

In order for me to write a scene, it's very important for me to see and experience everything with my own eyes, so yes, I was able to visit some remarkable houses and destinations while I was in China.

When I get off the plane in England I always feel about two inches shorter.

I think as an actor you're lucky to have any film take on a life of its own long after it's left the theater.

Adulthood is hell.

Love to everybody who is out there progressing and taking things to the next level.

The paradox is that when we model future designs on past successes, we are inviting failure down the line; when we take into account past failures and anticipate potential new ways in which failure can occur, we are more likely to produce successful designs.

The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique.

I would like to instill in people just to work hard. As long as they keep at it, their dreams will happen.

There's no reason to raise taxes. Taxes should be lower... The problem we have is that government spends too much, not that taxes are too low.

You owe it to yourself to be the best you can possibly be in baseball and in life.

The par putts sometimes are bigger than the birdie putts.

I grew up homeless, you know, lived in and out of U-Haul trucks and, you know, apartment houses, friends.

I have no idea why anyone likes me! I am very polarizing. It's either absolutely love or absolutely can't-be-around-for-more-than-three-seconds.

Oftentimes, discussion of war gets flattened to a discussion of trauma.

No one is depressed when theyre being chased by a bear.

I look for a girl without pretense who is sweet and intelligent - preferably brunette, but that's not completely important.

You either trust someone day one until they prove you wrong, or you say, 'I don't trust you until you show me I can trust you.' I'm the latter.