The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe murderer.

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. Thats how she learned how to swim. I said Mom they werent trying to teach you how to swim.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

We have three cats. It's like having children, but there is no tuition involved.

I like cats. I used to have a lot of cats, but I don't anymore, now I just have a dog. It does take a certain temperament to have a cat, as they do have certain personalities.

We were brash young fellows'. I was always hanging with the older crowd anyway. The musicians were the Hip Cats, and I was hanging with them anyway. I Just started out real early.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

I've always been mad about cats.

We can certainly go further than cats, but why should it be that our brains are somehow so suited to the universe that our brains will be able to understand the deepest workings?

Perhaps it is because cats do not live by human patterns, do not fit themselves into prescribed behavior, that they are so united to creative people.

Even cats grow lonely and anxious.

If you call a cat, he may not come. Which doesn't happen with dogs. They're different types of animals. Cats are very sexy I think too in the way they move.

Scalded cats fear even cold water.

Like all pure creatures, cats are practical.

I lie around the floor with my cats Billy and Jazz or watch DVDs with my best friends.

It is impossible for a lover of cats to banish these alert, gentle, and discriminating friends, who give us just enough of their regard and complaisance to make us hunger for more.

My quest these days is to find my long lost inner child, but I'm afraid if I do, I'll end up with food in my hair and way too in love with the cats.

My mum loves cats so I took her to see the lion cubs which at about a year old are actually quite big. She wasn't scared at all and went straight over and kissed one on the mouth! She thought they were just like her pets at home.

I have a family and two cats; I get up with my kids early in the morning.

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Did St. Francis preach to the birds? Whatever for? If he really liked birds he would have done better to preach to the cats.