See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

Reality: What a concept!

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

A lot of vets like 'Good Morning Vietnam' - I get great letters from guys.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah.

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.

From the point of view of being in the public radar, comedians have less problems than other actors. Action movie stars like Stallone or Schwarzenegger usually attract the more aggressive fans.

I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.

I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.

I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.

I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.

I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born.