If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

Another fine mess you've gotten me into.

A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.

All I know is just how to make people laugh.

Anyone who thinks 'Modern Times' has got a big message is just putting it there himself. Charlie knew that the pressures of modern life and factory life would be good for a lot of laughs, and that's why he did the film - not because he wanted to diagnose the industrial revolution.

Babe and I are both great television fans, and we've been planning to do something on TV. But we certainly never intended to start out on an unrehearsed network show!

Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.

I don't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with Charles Chaplin.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!

It's the one with that panel of ultra-chichi folks. The one called 'What's My Line?' It sends me straight up the wall. I call it 'The Snob Family.'

My only opinion on the L&H 'home movie' situation - I regret we have no financial interest in them.

Personally, I think the silent films were more effective for L&H, but the sound was of great value in enhancing the effects - dialog eliminated a lot of action & sight gags - I always feel that 'action' speaks louder than words.

Sight gags had to be planned; they required timing and mechanics. Occasionally, spontaneity would arise in the shooting of the scenes.

We did have a script, but it didn't consist of the routines and gags. It outlined the basic story idea and just a plan for us to follow. But when it came to each scene, we and the gagmen would work out ideas.

We had friendly and pleasant relationships with all that worked in our films - many happy memories.

We never dealt with satire or suggestive material. Although some of our films were broad parodies or burlesques of popular dramatic themes, there was no conscious attempt at being either sarcastic or offensive.

What business do we have telling people who to vote for? They probably know more about it than we do.

If any of you cry at my funeral Ill never speak to you again

Anyone who has seen me spin that heavy, giant wheel on television knows that I'm not a steroid user.

As a kid, I would push my shoulders forward in order to hide my heart from being hurt.

My spiritual life is... sometimes I have access to it and sometimes I don't. When I do have access to it, it's usually a sense of my understanding what the best course of action or the best thing for me to do. By best, I mean when I have a real sense of doing the right thing and doing good for people and the connected universe of everybody.

I think it's a great thing to have failed in life and then pulled yourself up by the boot straps and actually done something, because then you appreciate it more.

Some people in your life Touch you so very deeply That you drown totally in that depth.

I realize that I'm black, but I like to be viewed as a person, and this is everybody's wish.

They lose the day in expectation of the night, and the night in fear of the dawn.

Businesses should be assured that law enforcement will operate with the utmost sensitivity toward victims of cyber attacks.

At the end of the day, I don't need to work, and I think it's good that I have the drive and willpower to get up and do something in the morning even though I don't need to.

Who knows what will happen in five years' time.

Knowledge is what we get when an observer, preferably a scientifically trained observer, provides us with a copy of reality that we can all recognize.

Because my business life is so busy my home is really my sanctuary. That is where I reflect and spend quality time with my girls.

I know if someone is coming from my right side. I could feel it.

We are thinking ahead to long-term care, aware that many folks don't plan ahead and won't be ready. We want to see to it that people will have choices.

There's a depth to the look that you get with models that you just can't get with CGI. It's about the detail that you just wouldn't think to put in.

What difference does it make whether you're looking at a photograph or looking at a still life in front of you? You still have to look.

Whenever I climb I have to also entertain.

On a superhero show, you have to have people who are really human and who have the experience the audience is having.

When I realised I had a facility for humour, I latched on to it, and it gave me confidence and I built my personality around it. So I subconsciously made myself become the funny one so that would be my label rather than the ginger one or the red-faced one.

Jesus showed me what it means to be holy - he did his father's will no matter how difficult it was to accomplish.

Keep a bad drawing until by study you have found out why it is bad.

I want people who see my watches to go, 'Wow!' And the more they look at them, the more they go into it, the more I want them to say, 'Wow!' I work on a razor blade between gimmickry and amazement.

Religious celebrations, and the good will, high spirits and generosity that mark them, are wonderful occasions for understanding the potential of 'everyday multiculturalism', and how people from diverse faiths can connect and show they care, rather than go down parallel, sometimes hostile, roads.

Elizabeth, Lady C, claims to be writing at the limits of language. Would it not be insulting to her if I were diligently to follow after her, explaining what she means but is not smart enough to say?