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Steven Wright

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Quotes
194

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoons appointments.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Steven Wright
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
You cant have everything. Where would you put it
Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
Steven Wright
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
Steven Wright
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
Steven Wright
To me comedy is just twisting reality. Its commenting or observing or twisting life.
Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Steven Wright
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
So, do you live around here often?
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted musicians denoted cowboys deranged models deposed tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright

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