Steven Wright

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

How young can you die of old age?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoons appointments.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

You cant have everything. Where would you put it

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

To me comedy is just twisting reality. Its commenting or observing or twisting life.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

So, do you live around here often?

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted musicians denoted cowboys deranged models deposed tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.